| Arg. |
[Nov. 9th, 2006|05:29 pm] |
634 dollars later my bank account is paid off and now can say that I'm back on the road to adulthood. My credit report is going to be a battle to repaid but hey, how do you gage the intensity of a past relationship? Look at the battle scars... I want to run away to home or to another country the more I look at it the more I'm thinking about London next fall I wonder is sneaking Liam on a plane is the best idea but I suppose under those circumstances my gma would be okay with mr. pisszilla. I need hugs then an extreme makeover because frankly I am not doable right now and it's making me not smile. I washed dishes that have been in my sink for a week last night and found out what the smell was in my apartment. Chicken soup in a bowl for the last 4 days! It was growing things that were beginning new life cycles. I've officially come to a new point in my life and really i'm comfortable but who is this? Whatever though at least I've gotten myself to the middle of the bed. |
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| Serial Kids back for more... |
[Oct. 5th, 2006|04:20 pm] |
You've missed me huh guys... :) I was sinking but now that I can breathe again lets get to the silly then serious. I'm evicting this girl whos like 7 fts tall and was in the army but super thin, now that you have the picture my story is about her kid so blank screen again... Coming out of the btrm at work while hiding from that girl, I was in the btrm for like 10 mins waiting till she left I hear my name and fling open the door and scream...me 5' 4" doesnt see the 2' kid staring up at me till I look down but he's making a face. Him being that chicks son would have done it but I almost fell over he scared the holly hell out of me so much so I yelled OH CRAP and it echoed a little in the office.
Today at school I was in the btrm again. Hey.. after lunch again I drink far too much water. I'm doing a quick french braid super concentrated in thought in complete silence w/ no one in the bthrm and I hear a really loud hissing noise. I yelped and poked myself in the eye. Only to see it was one of those smell dipensers. Could they seriously think of silencing those? I almost took my eye out.
Who would have known when your form of a parent(s) sent you out into the world with that whole bird flies or falls bullshit speach they really werent lying but trying to give you clues with a good story or moral just telephoned into bits of meaningful words. I, since September 1st have been fullly thrusted (oh sexy) into the world of adulthood and quite frankly I am ready but willing, no.
8/30/06 Jodi my Community director left my office at the lovely Point Natomas and that day was the last of my summer, sanity and gross immaturity. This summer I and probably everyone close to me can say that I have taken a blow of the real world. Not that I dont live in it on a daily basis but with major decisions and requirements have led me to see that the nature of man is rather self. Spinning off of some bad experiences isnt what made my conclusion so clear but really being in quick rash situations where ones own ethics alone are the only guidance has shown me sides of people I couldnt have predicted in my wildest dreams.
My eyes sparkle still but with a knowledge that though intense feelings of self first are an initial reaction to any situation (survival of the fittest aka save your ass first) there is a hope that in ones life there was exposure to just one element of selflessness (sp?) whether that be through another, literature, film, fiction or non-fiction. If maybe just once it really hit a person deep enough it would never leave. I like to think that the ones I know in my heart are good do so not for their own benifit but because it makes them truly happy.
With my world running at warp speed I've watch my trust fall and felt deciet then wanted to strangle her and him next, lust, worthlessness, catholic failure (planned parenthood), asthma (the cigs), drunken happiness (the plastic cup), pride (my family), abandonment II (mommy), forgiveness III, friendship true and cosmetic, inspiration (lani), and leadership (of course work). Looking back at anytime in the last couple of months feeling a low of a new kind could have brought me down but as I see it my layers are getting stronger. Game plan? Leave Point Natomas gracefully as one can to find myself at The Melting Pot and volunteering at any medical facility, GRADUATE goddammit!, solve my crappy car dilemma so I can see my family when I damn well please not when that thing wants to run well, and finally have faith in my decisions then execute them. Running my property for the last month gave me insight as to how I can be immature but inside have the potential of a real adult, seeing that I know having faith in myself and 100% knowing who I am and what I stand for is what will get me thru the rest of the levels. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|05:37 pm] |
I got this myspace message from Kenny today in response to the message below and I thought i'd share it. Here.. have some of my joy.
maybe this is what we need jayme all we do is make eachother miserable. im sorry about this yeah feelin pain sucks trust me i know ive almost forgot what it was like to not feel pain. the baby thing has really been messing with me the last few days ive been having this recurring dream that in another situation we could have had it and it would have been a girl and we would have named her Modena. but w/e it doesnt matter point being is have a nice life jayme we tried and thats more then saying we didnt try. just remember fair lake and alta arden and even rancho for that matter. Goodbye
Really now.. my happy cds are Ben Folds and I really would like them back. Especially the ones Leo made to make me feel better. He's kinda pissed about me 'not knowing' where Futurama is. I guess I give up on getting the wireless internet if you cant find it. If you could drop them off at my work on Fri or Sat when I'm not here I would appreciate it. I'll leave your copies here. I dont expect you to care but I at least expect you to respond.
(Leo doesnt really care about the damn Futurama but I was trying to make a point, its rude to take others things) |
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| Go get your man girl |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|10:30 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crazy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dynamite Hack - Boys in the Hood | ] |
Fuck this.. My damn computer is eating my words and the autosave function on this thing is lying it actually saves the first couple of words so if you have a paragraph typed you better remember what you said. End thought after trying to type this entry 3 times now. I like crazies. The need of attention and their striking ability to argue just sucks me in and I deserve all it get. So while I'm get the convo in the hallway I smile and nod because words are silly and actions are real. Running down H street at 3am is cool reminder that straight men are biggest drama queens and I'm actually pretty quick on my feet when it gets down to it. I'll just fill this in at work tomorrow while I'm doing nothing again. |
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| Bums, half cigs and scotch thoughts |
[Mar. 20th, 2006|06:47 pm] |
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Walking down the street with Liam an hour ago I started to have a little bit of a life panic attack. Wait. I just lied this 'attack' has become my life and it started the moment I was in the hospital and Kenny said he wasnt coming to be my OR waiting room support. At that moment exactly my little 'oh shits about to change' panic attack started. Now with all my shit moved and my new message on the answering machine declaring that Liam and I are indeed the only members of this residence. Sitting at home though while I was eating the huge ass dinner I made for just me (I cant cook for just me It's not working) I started to freak out. Lani told me last night that we all have this need to be needed by someone. And thinking back on that statement she's so right. Watching 28 days later while eating I was thinking these people are having a hard time grasping they'll be on their own, such a hard time they leave a safe place to look for a chance of survival. They're willing to risk it just to be near others. Its a horror movie I know.. this much thought isnt supposed to go into it. My eyes are starting to burn, damn I need glasses. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|02:29 pm] |
Okay bitches.. I know.. you wanna know everything.. I'll try my hardest to keep it short.
The funniest shit happened. I GOT MY WISH.. if you dont get what I'm talking about look at my last post.. Then OHHHH.. then read on.
I am boyfriend less and you know.. up until a couple of days ago I felt like I had a void and I still kinda do but now I have a void and I'm angry. Therefore giving me the inside power needed to find someone else and get over myself. People who have been marriend for years get beaten up or cheaten on or even murdered who the fuck am I to cry and say I'm such a person to feel sorry for. You know what I did.. I did what I wanted to do since like March. I wanted to get out of an incresingly unhealthy relationship because not only was it warping my body but it was damaging my mind. I loved him more than I loved myself and it takes a lot out of you to constantly make sure a bipolar manic is always happy and feeling loved. After a while your ears are bleeding and your on the floor going, what happened to my life?
I tried to commit him 3 times. The last time I talked to the Sac Mental health people the guy told me I'm scared for your safety I think you should just remove yourself from the situation. I was an idiot and I didnt but what I did do probably saved my life. I took my moms advice "ignore him. just leave him alone and he'll realize without all the attention that hes being ridiculous and stop." So.. I did it the Jayme way. I told him he was being annoying. Mostly to piss him off so he would want to be away from me because if I didnt he would just keep calling and keep throwing fits. Leo knows..
Aparently 2 months later.. after I bought a FUCKING WEDDING RING and quit drinking (hes SXE) he decides that I wasnt there for him and I quote "spit in his face and kicked him while he was down" WHO still has the fucking razor blade hidden in a pepto bottle(he had IBS i had to carry it around all the time) in their purse. Not his mother, not his friends but the only girl the history of his life who honestly I mean fully loved his ass. So end of story.. dont change for anyone.. Never doubt your decisions and never apologize for anything. You said it, you did it and at one point you meant it. If you do feel like you did something wrong I welcome you to admit a sorry but know inside that you didnt say that shit unless you at some point knew it to be true.
I still will always love him. You dont spend a year and half together all the time and just forget. We dont talk anymore we only text because I'm supposed to be trying to steal his life away and being civil is too hard for him I guess. But I thought I was pregnant a week ago and called him (it had happened once before and I didnt tell him and I still had the guilt) and he had the balls to tell me not only did he think I was lying so he would talk to me he just knew it wasnt his and wouldnt raise it if it was. "id rather die than have a child with you" This is supposed to be the dude that said he'd love me forever. I'm healing inside I dont feel like crying on his doorstep but I do have to rekindle all the fucked up relationships I now have lying around. No one knows anything about me anymore.. I was a ghost for a year now.
I just have to appreciate what I had with him.. fill in my friends and family and love myself again. Which is by far the hardest part of all. I look at myself in the mirror and I still think that fucking word, annoying, that one word ruined my life.. Inside I knew it was gone already but you'll always grasp for a last breath its just the way we work. And now that I've drowned and woke up okay I'm exercising till I cant move, looking for a new man (perhaps woman), and just trying to live it day to day. I had a awesome life at some point but when you bend and twist to make yourself beautiful to someone you loose tract of your original form.. I'm absolutely stunning somewhere deep inside and someone will see that someday. I know.. at least I hope it will happen. |
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| what foo?? |
[Dec. 25th, 2004|09:27 pm] |
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Lani I cant search for your user name on this sucka. SOoo... you should just tell me so I don't have to guess. Thank you very much for your participation. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwansa (sp?) and whatever else you worship or celebrate. |
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| And as for me I was that I was anywhere with anyone making out |
[Jan. 5th, 2004|11:16 pm] |
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Okie so I don't have any scanned pics to input and show off but if you look below at my last post you have Kenny lowest scoring in the Jayme thought scale. We talked one day, started messaging eachother, confessed a crush, decided to go for with blessing from Josh and now we're dating. And if I could spend every moment with him I'd be the happiest girl ever. Sucks though, friends though happy are totally getting jayme time snagged away. But I'm trying guys I'm right now going to try harder because I know there is a bitter Leo and Genaro wondering when the next "Kenny night" so they actually get to see me come out of my room and say hi. Sorry guys. Anywho off to bed *kisses hugs and other pleasantries* |
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| ...Jayme I'm so glad your mine, we'll be together all the time... |
[Dec. 19th, 2003|02:44 am] |
So I wake up and go to work on tuesdays and thursday, friday, sat and sunday nights. Occasionally I(on a daily basis) bug my roomate, read, watch some movie, stare at walls. Oh.. there's school sometimes, full time when I thought my financial aid was going to cover full time as normal and only one monday night 3 hour class after I figured out that was 6 units instead.
and now going to the part we all enjoy....
On nights I laid there wondering at exact what party, table at work, moment walking down the stairs, new neighboor would catch me and take me from the gloom my life so often can transform into. 3 boys nows.
Josh... cute boy who works maintenence (sp?) at my apartment complex. Yay... fixes things like my heater when I was left w/ all gay men on a cold night. Has taken two weeks to just touch me. Dont think dirty.. sitch.. watching movie on my couch, his arm around me.. FINALLY.. Leo knocks on door and he answers for me.. goes back to couch and puts his arm back around me.. and doesn't flinch... He could just be fucking with me because he knows I'm going to jump him soon if he keeps holding out and by that I mean no first kiss. Or perhaps he doesn't even like me and I'm dillusional as normal.. Whatever... Oh and 18.. update .. I'm 20
One of his best friends Kenny... Looks like Rivers from Weezer. Josh told me heb (kenny) was obsessed with me when we were bowling the other night. Yeah.. Uh huh.. I thought.. and I still think. But I do think he might like me. He learned how to play Jamie by weezer.. Hmm... whatver... he's fun to talk to and totally like me.. I love it. I just hope I don't fuck things up with Josh by liking talking to his friend.
Nick.. whom I work with. Have had a bitty crush on since we've worked there.. He helped get sugar once out of a high cabinet by holding me as I climbed the latter and I almost died. So sitch.. as you all heard. Leo, me, genaro at a bar, stolis and I make Nick come and we smoke and he tells .. blahhh.. blahh... I get hit on by more gay men than straigh women.. Ha ha.. I tell him he's adorable and he and I flirt/hang on eachother all night. Made out when he dropped me off. He's dating someone and I'm dating Josh.. Not like commited just kinda casual.. anywho I like him.. I get all chilly when I'm around him. Oh well.. someone to make work eventful.
The best of all though.. Chris.. guy from a while ago I was going to move to Fresno to be closer to. EWWW>.. FRESNO.. I honestly could have loved him. I talked to the other day and he's supposed to be coming on Sat. Silent happy dance but mild disappointment/freak out. I dunno..
it's all a lot. I was having a bit of fun in my prior attack of the boys sitch. I like them all. Nick gives me chills, Josh I like because he challenges me (really stubborn), and Chris.. Wow.. gonna give him a piece of my mind if he does indeed walk into my house. As long as I can keep myself from turning into mush and demanding a well deserved kiss. BLAHHHH...
Lots more work now that it's christmas. Less time online than the none before.. But I'll try to post more occasionally. |
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| Brown plastic watering can |
[Jul. 16th, 2003|09:59 pm] |
It's 10pm I've done all the girly alone time things I can think of and I'm ready for a boyfriend or girlfriend, whichever wanders into my life first. Hey, both would be good, as long as one of them isn't Adam and the other Stephanie. Yup, I'm in some need of a little ass sometime soon... tick tick tick...
Daniel doesnt even have sheets on his bed anymore I guess I'm without a third roomie untill Stephanie gets back from Spain in August. Now does the fact that shes been to Europe like 5 times before make anyone else ill? I mean.. I've been to Fiji and Belize but on mission trips, her mom just pops out with random tourist runs of Europe. Okay.. so I might just be a little jealous. She was thinking about not going because she's been to this particular place before but she's going with the US swim team so I made her go so she could take pictures for me. Again.. I'm not jealous.. no not at all. I'll just be over here at work, working for my money, the money that I use, to pay for things by myself. Yup.. that money. Anywho...
Stephanie is crushing on Josh. *yay* HA.. She spent last weekend here and spent like thurs, friday and sat morning in his bed. Sat night she spent the night w/ me because I was home early but in the morning when she went to 'find out the time' 30 mins later I went to see where she disappeared to and found her cuddled with Josh sleeping in his bed. Signs of a crush, I would think so. Keep in mind I never mentioned this outloud seeing if she would say something and nope, no mention on her part. I did kinda warn Josh she is 17 and soo 'falls in love' easily. SO.. those are my roomates.
Damn.. school is coming up soon and I'm not excited I want like another month. Just so I can get more money saved up for the poverty that comes with going back to school. Ick.. lots of raw spaghetti.
So here I am.. trimmed, plucked and painted. Kickin it with Runa and looking at girls online. Damn.. I'm feel the patheticness setting in. Where's my donut?! |
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| Red, Blue, where are you tonight? I need you tonight... |
[May. 20th, 2003|08:19 pm] |
Okay so call me passive agressive but I need to sit and spill because I just sat and simmered for about roughly 24 hours which does include my 4 hours of thought-filled restless sleep last night.
Lets think back a little bit... *lies on couch*
I was sitting chatting with some friends and at some point in the convo it was mentioned another, closer friend of mine was having a house warming party in two weeks. I stopped, thought for bit. That particular friend was suppose to be my roomate in about 6 days, funny, I thought I'd know if was co-hosting a party at my house... But I kinda ignored it, I just put it off as something we'd discuss later when he was moved in. Yeah.. it's nothing...
So about a day or so passes and in a convo with someone else I hear, "Oh I'm living on Hurley and Bell", which ladies and gentlemen is not my house. My house is on Howe ave, yes.. Apt 445 in the Fair Lake apts on HOWE ave. Hurley is a block down. Hmm.. Pause. That's not my house *thinks* Nope. Not my house. But I do know whos house this is. Funny because when I handed my friend a rental application he didn't say anything at all... I guess I'm lucky I heard this conversation but I must have missed an occasion two weeks ago when he told me he was moving with her. Interesting isn't it? I have Pac Bell coming out on friday to install a new line for my dear friend b/c I knew he'd want internet in the bedroom and I have my aunt moving a bed I bought from her out here also. Oh wait.. don't forget I fought my roomate and won finally as far as letting him move in here. Oh and... I got Daniel to find another place to move into in July so that my lovely friend could have time to save money for rent for a month by sharing a room with me then he could be all financially stable and stuff in July.
I guess I just have to call and cancel just about all of that. I talked to Daniel who can stay till August and then Stephanie is suppose to be coming then... She wasn't going to but I told her I needed her to so I didn't have to shift through more roomie selections. It all sounds so juvenille it's just that I was getting all ready to surprise him on friday and I guess that's no go. I'm really just offended and really actually quite hurt. But whatever I guess.. I'm 20 I should be more grown up by now :(
Right about now I just want a little break... |
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| Kiss and Tell and make life hell |
[May. 6th, 2003|12:09 am] |
Official adultage is counting down days till it eats me whole.
I walk into the house. Alone. Plug in the light and turn on some music. Silent. Then go and plop myself down and log online. Idle. In the same monotanous way I gift my time away online. Hum. The door creaks open and in comes my nemesis. Grr. We pitter back and forth, argue and smile. Blush. I apologize for being odd, he insists on reading my poem he caught me writting last week. Bite. So I read him a line and we talk. Crawl. It's more like I talk, he listens. Breath. He listens to me say how it hurts to put ones self out there, to be exposed and hoping for positive reaction only to recieve pain. Grasp. I tell him that I shook when I kissed him and that took everything in my body to muster the courage to wake up and walk out of my room the next morning. Exhale. That I cared about him soo much and he hurt me and now, now I've cried and I'm good to go. Breathe. I told him that he's my friend and I do care about him a lot, that I love him. Stare. And then I looked up from my laptop, because yes I could hardly look at him as these words formed. Chicken Shit. At the moment my eyes met his I took a breath and knew right then that I was a brave ass girl and I was going to be okay. Dance.
Sooo.. EVERYONE is sick of Josh right? Well, sorry.. I can't help it he's kinda my live in cup of drama in the morning. It's funny how you can settle like that, just accept your fate. I kinda wonder what would have happened had I not moved in here. Oh Well...
Today I woke up and went for a walk. Didn't go to class I just took my cd player and walked. It felt so great to be outside and alone. Don't get me wrong. I like people I just don't want to be around them right now. I mean with the Josh thing not stabbing me anymore I'm relieved but still smothered. Anywho.. I walked and didn't go to a single class. I came home for lunch and talked to Brian online and we decided to go to the mall where I had the best time just talking with him for a while. After the other night when he was over I figured I owed him a normal day with me. So we held hands *Ha how uber straight* and walked around the mall and sucked on candy. Absolutely refreshing.
He's suppose to take me out to dinner tomorrow. 'The Italian place next to TGI Fridays' is what he calls it, that should be fun.
Fuck.. I'm going to be 20 soon. Where's that damn cigarette? |
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| Pussy and Cigarettes |
[May. 1st, 2003|09:55 pm] |
Something is sitting on me. Holding me down. I can feel it I just cant explain what it is and how to make it stop. I mean, I know Olivia is gone, she couldn't have existed for long anyways, that just not a piece of my life that meant to be. I don't know... I just wake up, and want to go back to sleep. My days continue on like that. I'm not suicidal or horribly depressed I just don't want do anything because I can't move. I don't expect anyone to know what exactly this feels like. It's most likely part of a some psychosis I suffer from, lemme go find a pill for that.
Leo made fake IDs, yay Leo.
Gently he played with my fingers examining each one then kissing them all with the most loving touch it caught my full attention. He then put his arms around my waist and just held me. Just this action, this mere action made me tear. I couldn't remember the last time someone held me without trying to unhook my bra or get me into bed with them and it felt wonderful. And there we sat, watching a movie while he held me with one arm and held my hand with another. I have to say this almost made it all better, it almost made it all go away. Then when he told me he wanted to kiss me, it was all gone. Because then I remembered the person I really wanted to be with was across the hall. Fuck Me. You know it'd be soo much easier if he'd just say he hates me, that he could never be with me, that I'm not just what he's looking for. You know as special as that moment was with him I couldn't kiss him. The next day I woke up so defeated. I actually made myself hang out with new people to free my mind and it didn't even work.
And yesterday he walks into the kitchen and we continue our game of flirtation. The everyday game that drags me further into the world of his.
Damn I need a cigarette... |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 25th, 2003|07:38 pm] |
HA!!! I beat that man whore Leo :P |
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| Nipple tickles |
[Apr. 24th, 2003|11:58 pm] |
Orange light pours through the metal bars breaking through to my bare skin. I can smell him here, the scent, his energy seeping under the door and onto my body. Penetrating my soul he looks into me drawling in a breath and crawling into death. He leaves, I cry.
Maybe it's just the lent promise that's effecting me but I'm sitting here, spending time with Josh and it's so wonderful but painful at the same time. I do indeed love him as a friend but I desire him. Right now he's playing guitar in front of me in the kitchen and I'm watching him, his face the way his lip moves and eyes concentrate when he plays, and I'm thinking, I'd like nothing more than to get up right now and kiss him. Holding me back is everything. For one the reaction. He could/might kiss me back and for that moment I would feel special to say the least, or he could pull away and a strange relationship would follow. As if it isn't strange already. |
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| external pychosis |
[Jan. 17th, 2003|12:27 am] |
It all comes down to the fact that I cant handle it. I can't seem to handle the reality we live in. Confused. So was I, untill I really sat down in that comfy leather chair and spilled. It was then after an hour of confessional that I knew, I'm just not all here. Now they call if depression well actually they call if Bi-polar disorder. I guess that's a nicer way of proclaiming someone a glorified all the time pycho. It's a special name you get when one minute your fine and the next you cant seem to contain the urge to scream and throw things.
So I was sitting there. Answering questions about my life when it hit me. I know when it happened.
Thinking way back.....
1997, 16... Screaming... locked outside on front door step... Yelling... And there the image plays out... My innocence, faith in the world and the existence of me as a singular person ceases to exist as I watch her walk past me with a butcher knife in her hand... walking down the hallway to kill her.... Screams.. Silence.... Muffled Tears..
Yes, that was it. The exact moment it left.
Going back 10 minutes maybe 15..
1997, 16... Grandmother, guardian is sitting on computer... calls me asks to get channel 5.... "I can't get that channel"... "well you should be able to"... "well I can't look"..... "well your not trying hard enough".... "here's channel 7 watch this, I can't get channel 5"... walk out of room... running behind me... chase to the nearest room with a door to lock.... a strangling hold to the wall.. "I can't breath"... "don't you ever talk to me like that again, you hear me" ... "I can't breath".... rescue, coming I hear it... "what's going on here, let her go".... release... Blur... screaming... running... running to neighboors for help... running back.... knife... end
She actually did manage to cut her throat. Not kill her, no. She didn't actually get to do it. But she was going to. She intended to. My aunt slipped away, grabbed her purse and left. My grandmother calmly sat down in the living room as if nothing had happened. I sat there. Rocking back and forth on the porch. End
I don't know why. I don't get why it wont leave me alone. But that was enough for me to just snap. That is the exact point where my sanity took a dive. He looked at me then, with the most sympathetic look. It almost felt warm. Wrote me a prescription after more questions and I left. So I guess I take these pills and they make it go away. For a short amount of time anyways. I just want to stop feeling torn. Stop looking at buses and wondering if I were to step of the curb now, how quick could I die. Then quickly thinking of all the people I love and the instant damnation that would follow to keep myself stationary. I don't want to have to convince myself anymore. I just want to hear once voice in my head and have it be a nice cheery one for once. |
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